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Mama, I Miss You...

Dear Mama,

I just want you to know that I miss you dearly and will always hold you in my heart. But there are times when all I want to do is hold you right now; hold onto you like I used to do when I was a little child. I remember the hugs and kisses we used to give each other. I was always the one crushing you with my bear hugs and fat! Lol. I was a chubby kid. I remember when the doctors told you that I was going to be taller than you. I can say now that they were right. I remember it just being me, you, my grandmother, and great grandmother all together, riding through different parts of the city, getting something to eat, and shopping. I long for those days sometimes. I wish that I had a button that would bring me back to all the good moments of the past. I miss the times when we would go to Rite Aid, and I would pick up on glittery pencils, pens, and notebooks to draw and write! My great grandmother would kind of curse under her breath because she ended up spending all her money what I wanted.

I'm laughing as I write this because I can see it to this day. God bless that woman's soul forever. God bless your soul to, mama. I guess I may have been angry at God at one point for taking you away from me. Yeah...I guess I was. I never considered being angry at God. But I guess I didn't realize that I was. I remember when my grandmother told me not to be angry with God because that's what she saw. I was a miserable child after you left mama. I didn't really know how to cope. I thought I did, but the things I dealt with was entirely too much for an 11 year old to handle by herself.

When my aunts first told me that you passed away, one of them described it as a deep sleep. I was burdened right then and there. But having the personality that I had back then (and still have now) I decided that I had to stay strong. I didn't cry the whole time, up until the funeral. I wanted to stay strong then. I didn't want to cry at the funeral, but it had hit me like a tone of bricks! So much so that I couldn't take it anymore. I cried. My fifth grade teacher held me in her arms as I watched my tears stain her school jacket. I actually feel like I'm back in that moment as I write this. A lone little child without a mother. My fifth grade teacher was so sweet to me, she just held me, and held me. I saw many other people at the funeral. You were really loved, mama. I recall seeing many many people there that I didn't even consider seeing. As I looked at you in your casket, I only hoped that you would wake up. As the casket was closed and we took your body to the place where your body would rest and go back to dust, I only hoped that you would wake up.

To be honest, sometimes, I do wonder if you woke up in your casket one day, banged on it for somebody to let you out, but nobody could hear. I doubt that happened but it's still a part of my imagination, and my hope that everything was wrong, and that you were alive! I know that not every moment was perfect. You were not perfect, I am not perfect, nobody is perfect, but you did what mothers do. You were a good mom. I think you were really the only person who understood my weirdness and randomness. I miss your cooking, and your smile. I miss you. I miss your hair that I used to play in and put pig tales in. I used to love giving you pig tales and putting scrunchies in your hair. I remember your boyfriend Tyrone. He's another one I miss. If anything, I think he would have been a wonderful step dad to me. The funeral was the last place I saw him. He looked devastated. Poor Tyrone. I felt especially bad for him. They evidently had a special connection, and when you lose someone you're so deeply connected with, it's like a peace of you died with them. I think that's how Tyrone felt. He loved you and I saw it that day.

I also remember when I would visit you at work sometimes, and help you with all the little children at the school you worked for. I would watch you at work and observe how you were with them. You displayed such grace and patience. I remember when kids would pass you by and say "hey miss speed!". And I'd like to think that they enjoyed my visits as well. I also remember when we went to a mother daughter event with your co-worker and her daughter. I fell in love with the waiter and refused to eat anything there because I wanted McDonald's too badly. There is a lot of stuff that I remember about my childhood including you relentlessly telling me to get a good education and marry a man with one. Well, I'm working on both! Haha, but I think you would be proud of me because I have accomplished so much. I graduated high school, I'm almost to my associate's degree and I started an entrepreneurial journey that has introduced me to a whole new world! I'm trying to make something out of myself but if it wasn't for you always telling me those things, I probably wouldn't have bothered doing anything with myself after you passed away.

I hold in my heart the lessons that you instilled in me. And I intend to carry on the legacy that you had a chance to leave. You were a good mother, sister, friend, girlfriend, and confidant. I really really miss you mama. There is a lot more that I can say, but it would probably break the internet with all the words I would type. I hope that you are proud of this tribute that I'm about to post, and I hope that you are proud of me. I've really poured out my emotions both happy and sad. But I want you to know that no matter what I may have said or did, you were the love of my life! I love you and I miss you, mama...

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