Becoming yourself

 

    You often call me on the phone or drop by to interrupt my continuous and enervating solving of problems and keeping of promises, and while I listen impatiently to your enthusiastic rants, being annoyed by every insignificant detail you must tell me about your newest idea, I slowly get away from the inertia of my busy life. The confidence you spread across the room and the calm passion of your speech always seems to help me put on rose-colored glasses for a moment and believe I can do anything I want to. For this reason, I hope you will have about the same strength I need to listen to you when I’m tired, and the willing to leave aside your dreaming and planning for a few minutes and read these words dedicated to you.

 

    We have known each other since both of us can remember. More precisely, we’ve been getting to know more of each other since we can remember. As my sister, you are the one who knows and understands me the best and I had thought I understand you the best too. Now, after everything that happened during the past year, I can’t dare to think the same because you simply amaze me and I have to admit it.

 

    Your huge brown eyes are now livelier than ever before, and the large smile you work your little pink lips into brightens the day. For months and weeks I thought you hated me just like the rest of our family, and misinterpreted the ice cold look in your eyes as arrogance. I thought you might be depressed, or just lazy and too dramatic. I thought you were just an usual teenager, acting like one. After you have been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder followed weeks of chaotic thoughts, violent negative feelings, guilt, rapidly changing points of view, an unbearable amount of tension between the family members and the feeling that I was somehow dead, and everything I had ever believed in was meaningless. When everyone got over this and you started to feel better, I started again to do things. Just forced myself to do things because our lives had to go on. I did things for people who wanted things, because it was my responsibility or because it was in my power to do so. I had been dragged around in every direction by everyone I didn’t want to upset or let down, and lost my interest in anything. I didn’t want to be a certain way or to do anything in particular anymore. Besides, I wanted not to see you, not because I was mad at you, but because I thought you should be mad at me and because I was mad at myself for not having realized something was wrong, and that you needed help - for having let you suffer.

 

    We were both too young when your illness emerged. You were not yourself yet and your developing personality was overshadowed by symptoms. Now it’s been two months since you stopped taking any medication and you started becoming your true self. Two months since you started charming me, involving me in your frantic search for things to do and things to wish for, and making me painfully miss you when we are apart, exactly like when we were toddlers. 

 

    The way you get so passionate about everything you do gives me energy to start wishing things again. When you tell me how you are going to achieve your goals I feel stronger and more confident. Your great plans are not naïve but bold and positive.   

 

    Not every time you tried something was a success, and very often people you asked to help turned you down. At first you requested an enormous amount of attention and involvement from everyone, close friends or mere acquaintances. We supported you and helped but the innumerable ideas you were able to produce were just too much for us. Many times people, even I, couldn’t give you everything you wanted or spend as much time as you needed on your little projects. One of the things that I appreciate most about you is that the long stream of failures and rejections did not make you shut yourself to new challenges. You proved strength, confidence and the power of being understanding. You built up your self esteem and learned to look for people who genuinely share your interest in certain activities and causes. You are objective and flexible but you do not repress yourself.

 

    Many of your goals include helping, teaching and discovering persons because you are kind and you take as much joy in other people’s achievements as you take in yours. This often materializes in the form of care for and a desire to spend time with children.

 

    You know yourself. You must have figured out by this point that this is an eulogy and you probably wonder why I haven’t mentioned your trademark qualities so far. I am not the only one who praises you and you are used to hearing how good you are at sports, how beautiful you look and how well proportioned are your sketches. Someone had to remind you that you mean more than that. Being funny is not an insignificant attribute, but the essence of your own self is deeper than that.   

 

    Of course you have flaws too, but naming them is pointless because I know that you are aware of them. You are not afraid to say you are not perfect, even though you are. Your flaws do not define you because you have the power and willingness to improve yourself. You keep looking for your true self and reinventing your own person with an unbelievable capability to introspect and a strong will. Even though you are young and the best of times are yet to come, I believe you are complete. Completely amazing. I have nothing more to say but thank you for inspiring me, charging me with positive energy and reminding me there are plenty of things I can do to make the world a better place.      

 

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