It's hard to believe that a year has passed since we lost you. I'm still feeling myself moving back and forth from denial, anger, bargaining and depression (lots of depression) but I just can't seem to get to the point of acceptance.
Not a lot of people know what I'm going through, but there hasn't been a day where I don't see you, think of you, hear you. I still find myself breaking down when I listen to a specific bunch of your songs. I honestly don't see this changing in the near future. It's as if listening to your voice immediately triggers something in my brain that I can't control. There are a few of your songs that I don't allow myself to hear unless I'm alone, because I know what's coming if I hear them.
Sadly, the music that you left behind isn't enough... And maybe that just shows how much of a legend, a star, a role-model you are. Usually, when musicians go away, their music is enough to fill the void. With you, it's not enough. You were so much more than just your music. You were the leader of a generation. You gave so much. That's why it hurt so much when you took it away by taking your life.
I can still remember the feeling I had when I first heard about your death. I read the words but my mind didn't manage to comprehend the meaning of those words. I was at work and I couldn't function that day. The moment I got into my car I let it all out. That week was full of breakdowns.I remember walking in the streets in the following days, crying my eyes out uncontrollably, to the point where people would stop me to ask what happened to me. This whole year has been full of breakdowns.
I guess there's not much to do now but wait for the acceptance part to kick in. In the meanwhile, I'll keep thinking about you and listening to what you've left behind- your amazing music. I just hope that you can feel all the love we for you from wherever you are. We promise to grow older and honor your existence, and you, you will forever be 52.
I have much more I want to say, but can't manage to put my feelings into words. All I can say is that I love you for who you are, for what you've done and for what you have left behind. As I'm typing this, my eyes can't seem to stop tearing and this will forever be what happens. The scar won't heal, I'll just have to get used to living with it.
In a few days I'll be flying from Israel to LA for a few days. I promise to come and visit you... Please, say hello to heaven...
P.S.- I came to visit a few days after writing this post. I sat near your grave for more than three hours. Listening to your music (and trying to sing) whilst crying. I hope you felt the love for you. Every once in a while someone would walk up and visit you. It was just a few days after the ceremony that was made for you for the one year "death anniversary". Your grave was full of flowers and notes that people left you. I know that you can feel the love wherever you are. I hope to come and visit again. Till next time, take care of us from wherever you are.