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Letter I Never Sent

Wednesday, January 18th, 2017 , by
Letter I Never Sent

Dear K,

I know you are an ideal to me, but what an ideal you are. You are a man, a man who I trust and respect with every fiber of myself and who commands the same from everyone else. You bring out the best in me, showing how I can improve, how I can be stronger, how I can be better. You demand self-improvement with a look, and you are my conscience.

With you I can talk for hours, on a range of subjects. I am always learning from you and you-I hope- enjoy listening to me. I think of you when I don’t see you for a week and I wish we could spend more time together.

I miss the old days. The days where everything seemed happier, lighter, easier when you were so close. When you only lived two dorms down and I could just knock on your door, entertaining a personal haven.

Sometimes we would watch movies, curled up on opposite sides of the couch with only our feet touching each other when we changed position. The light from the television bathing us both in a flickering blue glow, casting shadows, light in the darkness of the room.

Sometimes we would just talk. You can make me laugh like no one else can, and perhaps that is why when I leave, I feel like crying. Because you are no longer there to make me smile.

You were there for me when my parents separated, always  sending me texts and jokes while my tiny house became a battleground, while furniture and possessions were separated into boxes. A light on my screen to assure me that everything was going to be okay as my world crumbled around me.

I miss your voice just as I miss the missed opportunity I had to be with you. Because you were just a friend to me then. I had a boyfriend who was nice, but didn’t make me laugh like you did. Who fell asleep when we watched Avengers. I didn’t see you then, and I don’t know when I suddenly realized I needed you. To laugh with, to cry with, to make dinner or buy take-out; to wake up on the same side of the couch with your arms around me.

But you don’t miss things until they’re gone right? Because by the time I turned to you…you had moved on, and you no longer seemed interested in spending time with me at all.

I know there will come a day when you will find someone else. When I will have to see you with someone else. Maybe you will finally get Katie-your  girl who got away- or fall for a cute Barista or Dog walker  and I will smile and wish you all the happiness in the world because I need you and even if you are just a friend at least I won’t have to loose you.

I remember the last day I saw you, talked to you. How at the end of the day I walked you to your car and we stood under the streetlights laughing and talking, while I shivered in the cold rather then go back inside because I wanted to spend just one more minute with you and I didn’t know when I would see you again.

You, who leaned so casually against your car in your leather jacket and boots. The street light turned your hair to gold and I wanted to laugh with you and cry and kiss you all at once because talking with you brightens my day and you’re graduating soon and you just looked so handsome.

I don’t want you to go.  To graduate, to get a job and to start your life without me. I don’t want to have to plan out days when I can see you and listen to you tell me how I look like Mom, or make me laugh-or just to hear your voice.

I know I have to let you live your life but still, my friend, as I watch you walk away, this last time, let me whisper quietly-my love- I wish you well, I wish you fortune, I wish you happiness.

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