Patrick Campbell - A Lifetime of Love and Memories
Tuesday, June 26th, 2018 , by Parastou Emami
My dear baby boy,
I miss you so much Pat, I can still not believe you are not here with me anymore. You were so loving and kind and it has left a huge hole in my heart and my life.
You were my friend and my best companion and always knew how to make me laugh. I will never forget our first date on halloween, the silly things we did like when I dressed up in an afro and you decided... nope and closed the door.
Our first trip to your grandmas and the couch, that time we went to bluewater and saw the two doves, our days out in canterbury and you mocking my 'paddy box', our first valentines when you gave me the locket with your hair that I will never take off, our days at university in your cave and teas in the library, our time in ramsgate with no fridge or beds, broadstairs and the lovely christmas we spent there and the seagulls stealing our bbq food, meeting mum for the first time in dubai, meeting my dad at chimi changas with your non-stop talking, that time you made me watch all of LOTR and when you played paris is burning non stop, our wedding and how hard we worked for it (and yes you being hungover and late for the setup), when you got your job after your interview and how we were jumping up and down and you carried me inside before the panic of the drivers license sunk in, when you used to pick me up from the airport and hold my hand and smile at me the entire way home while we listened to irish music, when we acted like kids playing horsie, my naughty corner in brompton if I shopped, just so many more loving memories I had with you.
I just wished we would have had the chance to make more, like when we talked about moving to our dream home, retiring early and raising our sophie ?, growing old and grumpy together and moaning at the kids and we never won the bet on who was going to be the cooler hip grandparent.
It all is an unattainable dream now and it hurts so bad. I find it so lonely and hard to get through life without you. Its from the little things like the complete silence at home to the big things like having to go to mums funeral without a shoulder to cry on.
I depended on you for so many things and hard as I try to carry on existing, it just doesn't feel right without you by my side. I can't bear to even look at your things because it still hurts too much to fathom you won't be there to use them. We had so many hopes and dreams and they just went poof and disappeared when you left. I would give anything just to bring you back, to hug you and hear your voice and that laugh that always made me laugh when I was down, then everything in my world would be fine again. I feel powerless and hopeless and alone and wished this wasn't our fate.
I struggle when I remember things and try to distract myself as a selfish way of coping, but hard as I try it is all too real and always there in my head. I try to smack myself out of it or start randomly naming things I see around me like a crazy person.
But you know Pat, I hate myself and wished I understood you better and was there for you when you needed me so I deserve all thats there for me. The only thing that helps me get through is knowing that you must be free, be happy and I hope you never have any regrets because I have to live with mine. I do not have a clue where you are or what its like but I want nothing more than just peace and happiness for you and I wish that you cant see me or anyone you loved being sad. I just want you to be in eternal bliss and happiness now. I hope you are with your grammy and my mum and that you all look after each other.
I feel like I don't know who I am alone without you, we grew up together, we were always pat and paras. Our life together was filled with moments both sweet and sad, with laughter and some tears but I never imagined I would have a day without you in it and it is impossible to adjust.
You were my soulmate and nothing and no one in this world can take that away from us. Be my guide and my strength forever because I can not do this without you.
You will forever live on in my heart and mind and I am beyond grateful for all the loving time and memories we had together, however brief it was. I treasure your everlasting presence with me paddy cake.
Love,
Your Paras
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